Jesus of the Suburbs

God is everywhere - omnipresent, an idea accepted by most deists. Here in the United States we seem to think (or know?) Jesus of the Suburbs lives somewhere nearby.

Around here, the Jesus we know, Jesus of the Suburbs, lives in the rural outskirts of Atlanta's metro area. Somewhere between Holly Springs and Ball Ground, probably in Hickory Flat. He disapproves of anything too liberal, like unbrushed hair and Democrats, and he really likes music from last century. If music is from any time in the last 100 years, it should be very slow and work with a choir and piano.

He listens to the Christian radio station, wears a bracelet that ask what He would do, has t-shirts that spoof common advertisement icons with Christian themes. He hates rap and anything else old White people don't like.

Jesus of the Suburbs wears slacks and a pressed shirt to church, only worships with White people, and would never wear sneakers or skip the belt when getting ready to do church. And when does he "do" church? Sunday morning, early, and at the early service if he's feeling especially holy. Sunday night again if he's committed, and again Wednesday night if He wants to keep the kids off the streets and away from heathen neighbors whose kids watch MTV and say words like "damn" and "crap."

Jesus of the Suburbs goes by the definitions, connotations, and assumptions about scripture that permeate popular culture and pop theology. Jesus of the Suburbs wants us to assume the exact words and their 2008 connotations used in English Bible translations express the exact ideas He intended thousands of years ago in a different culture and different language.

J.O.T.S. believes worship is something that fits into a church program, something that is done, slotted into a schedule, differing in timing by no more than 2 minutes early or late, depending upon the duration of announcements, and NEVER happens out of order.

I don't think Jesus of the Suburbs has ever met Jesus.

I don't think he'd like Jesus.

He'd say Jesus was just, you know, unchristlike. Unamerican. Unchristian.

Costa Rica video, finally!